Guilting the Lily

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.

 Things that make us feel guilt:

• Lying
• Flaking (Though apparently Seattleites are naturally immune to this one)
• Our Bodies
• Health
• Wealth or lack there of
• Family
• Friends
• Privilege
• Race
• Gender
• Other

Each of these things at one point or another has caused those pangs of guilt to rise up in me.  Sometimes I quell those pangs with defiance and anger, and sometimes the pangs get to hang out for a while until something shiny distracts me.

 It is such an odd sensation when you are talking to someone and all of a sudden you realize that you are feeling guilty for something that you have not intentionally done.  Typically this is unintentional on the part of the other party as well.  Yet here you are feeling guilty for being born a certain way, or for having a loving family, or for having a stable job.  Usually this passes.  Sometimes it doesn’t and you grow to resent this person that always arouses feelings of guilt for being who you are.

 Other times we earn our guilt.  We lie to a friend about a prior engagement when really it is something we would rather do.  We assume that our little white lie (why’s it gotta be a white thing?) will somehow hurt their feelings less than the truth.  Then all of a sudden they are behind you in line at the bar…  Your stomach sinks…  You want to hide…  Instead you offer to buy them a drink (cursing under your breath that it is one less that you can have that night, because now you have to pay for one for them, and really why did they have to schedule their fucking birthday on the same night as the underwear party that you HAD to go to, and even though you could have made it to their dinner and still had plenty of time to make it to the underwear party, you didn’t want to have a heavy dinner and then run around half nekkid, so it is their fault that you had to lie to them anyway…) to help assuage your guilt.

 Not only do we have the pleasure of dealing with our own guilt… We also like to share guilt.  This usually takes the form of shaming people.

 

• Can you believe her?  She has no shame.
• He just shamelessly cruised that guy.

We make these statements judgmentally. Why?

Why should we have shame when it comes to attraction.  Really it only gets in our way, and why is it there?  What purpose does it serve?  Is there something wrong with being interested or attracted?

Of course there isn't. But there is a self-imposed sense of propriety that is a convenient mask for guilt. The guilt associated with sex and sexuality.

What is wrong with expressing interest... With showing desire? Nothing!

I leave my shame at home.  Really there was no room for it in my outfits.

“Funny thing about guilt: There's nothing so bad that you can't add a little guilt to it and make it worse; and there's nothing so good you can't add guilt to it and make it better.”

- Latter Days

 

As Latter Days eloquently reminds us… Guilt isn’t always bad.  I mean there is always Guilty Pleasures.  That glorious feeling you get when you are doing something wrong that is oh so right.  You know what I am talking about

• Public Sex
• Free Balling/Lipping
• Telling children that Santa isn’t real.
• Eating a glob of mayo out of the jar with your finger.
• Reading the Missed Connections on Craigslist

I mean…  It is awesome to waste an afternoon at home even though you should be productive.  It is even better to do it in your underwear…

while eating a pizza…

and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s…

            and sexting an ex that you no longer care about…

                        and listening to Call Me Maybe

or your Spice Girls album.

I had a galfriend while I was in the Navy that would always wear sexy lingerie under her uniforms.  It helped her feel like a woman, and also it felt a little naughty to her.  I also had a guyfriend that wore panties under his boxers in the navy.  I always kept my toenails painted in uniform.  I still do, but it is much less of a statement now.

These little acts of social defiance are all guilty pleasures.  Taking things we are supposed to feel bad about, and turning them into a thing of joy.  Each of these is a personal victory over the human condition, and a step in the right direction toward true self acceptance, and love.

What about you?  What are your guilty pleasures?  Leave me a comment and let me know.